Childhood Emotional Needs, What They are and Why They Matter?
In brief:
Emotional needs are essential for healthy development in childhood
There are several categories of emotional needs that both children and adults require
If emotional needs are constantly missed then children will be left with an emotional wounds and they will develop coping mechanisms
Coping mechanisms influence thinking, emotions, behaviour and the body
The effects of unmet emotional needs often persist well into adulthood
Therapy can heal unmet childhood emotional needs
Emotional needs are a bit like vitamins which are required to keep your body strong and healthy. If you don’t get enough of what you need – your body will soon let you know. Let’s use the example of vitamin D which is required to help keep bones, muscles and teeth healthy. Your body absorbs vitamin D through ultraviolet light and if you are deprived of sunlight for any extended period of time (which I’m sure we can all relate to), then chances are, you will become fatigued and weak. How does this relate to emotional needs? Well, if you don’t get your core emotional needs met enough of the time in childhood, your body and mind will also react. You are left with an emotional wound and natural coping mechanisms form effecting your thoughts, feelings, behaviour and physiology. This blog outlines what core emotional needs are, why they matter and what can happen when they are not met consistently in childhood. We will also identify what interacts with unmet needs, and how therapy can heal unmet needs.
Schema Therapy & Emotional Needs
Schema Therapy is an approach originally developed by an American Clinical Psychologist, Jeffrey Young around 25 years ago with emotional needs at its core. Along the way, the approach has evolved and it is now one of the leading approaches for recurring psychological difficulties. I will refer to some of the ideas from Schema Therapy throughout this blog.
What are Emotional Needs
Emotional needs are a set of universal needs that all children require in order to develop healthily, regardless of social environment or culture. When emotional needs are not met enough of the time, or in a consistent and predictable way, this causes distress and can disrupt our relationship with ourselves, others and how we live in the world. The broad categories of emotional needs are listed below:
Protection, predictability, stability & safety - supports children to know that they can rely on parents, there is enough emotional consistency and security in their environment, allowing them to feel safe.
Attunement, bonding, validation, warmth, emotional connection, compassion & nurturing - supports children to know that someone “gets them”, is interested and understands their inner world. Helps them to know that they are not alone in the world.
Autonomy, competence & sense of identity - supports children to develop a sense of who they are as an individual, explore their identity, preferences and experience age appropriate independence.
Freedom to express thoughts, emotions & needs - supports children to know they can express themselves freely without judgement, that they are accepted for who they are, that their views and opinions matter.
Spontaneity, creativity and play - helps children with learning and expressing themselves, trying out new roles and supports social/cognitive development.
Realistic limits, boundaries and self-control - supports children to develop self-discipline, take appropriate levels of responsibility and show understanding for others. Also helps children to feel safe and to be able to manage emotions.
Are Practical Needs and Emotional Needs the Same?
Practical needs differ from emotional needs, and we need both. It is of course true that the without basic and fundamental practical needs such as shelter, education, food, water, air & physical safety - we would not survive. However, what we know from many years of research is that practical needs alone, are simply not enough. They are not enough to allow a baby, child or adolescent transition through the developmental stages and thrive in an emotionally healthy way. Emotional nourishment is just as vital.
The Impact of Unmet Emotional Needs
Children are generally quite adaptive, however, when emotional needs are repeatedly unmet, this leaves an emotional wound and activates inbuilt coping mechanisms. These are children’s efforts to protect themselves from further pain and without them, they would suffer much worse. These natural and understandable ways of coping impact our whole way of being including how we think, feel, what we do and how our body reacts. For example, a child that is constantly let down by a parent may internalise this and become self-critical - it is safer to blame themselves than to accept the reality that their parent is unable to meet their needs. Young children are also limited in their capacity to understand the complexities of adult life, and the reasons why people may be unavailable to them.
The effect of unmet emotional needs can persist well into adulthood where subconsciously, we are often trying hard through various means, to get our needs finally met. This can show up in a myriad of ways including persistent feelings of anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, detachment, physical symptoms, obsessional thinking, relationship problems, rumination, avoidance, compulsive behaviours etc. The cruel irony is that once in place, the very coping mechanisms that helped us to survive and cope with unmet emotional needs, hang around much longer than required, disrupting our life further down the line. The exact response to an unmet need will vary depending on which need has been missed, in the same way that our bodily reaction will also differ wether you are deficient in vitamin B, C or D.
Does Language Matter?
When talking about psychological distress, the word “disorders” is often used but mostly, this is unhelpful. It fuels shame and spreads the idea that there is something “broken” that needs “fixing”. When in reality, we know that psychological suffering is often a natural and understandable reaction to what has, or has not, happened in life. What emotional needs have, or have not, been met. Of course, there are other factors which include social, culture, neurobiology and genetics, but emotional needs can go a long way to explain the origins of recurring distress.
What Interacts With Emotional Needs
If you grew up with siblings or have had more than one child, then you will know that not all children have the same temperament. For example, babies can be less or more reactive, sensitive, and can have different energy levels. Moreover, neurodivergence effects how information is processed in the body and mind, especially from a social communication and sensory perspective. Both temperament and neurodivergence interact with emotional needs and influence the way a child will require a need to be met, as well as how much they require a certain need to be met. It may also influence ways of coping when emotional needs go unmet.
Were Your Emotional Needs Met?
While it probably comes as no surprise that repeated experiences of abuse and neglect profoundly get in the way of emotional needs being met, we know that unmet needs also occur in well-intentioned homes where illness, financial stress and loss can inadvertently disrupt needs being met. The answer to whether your emotional needs were met, is not black and white. More often than not, the reality is that sometimes, some of your emotional needs were met and at other times, they were not. And generally this is more than okay - years of research has taught us that children’s emotional needs do not need to be met 100% - good enough really is good enough.
Why does it Matter?
The reason it can be helpful to understand whether our core emotional needs were met in childhood is to develop a deep, compassionate understanding of ourselves, how we live in the world and how we interact in our relationships. The aim is not to proportion blame, because we know that the majority do the best they can, with what they have. It is also helpful to consider whether as adults, our emotional needs are being met in our lives now.
Emotional Needs and Psychological Therapy
Therapy is a bit like taking supplements or moving to sunnier climates after being deficient in vitamin D - it helps your mind and body heal, short-circuiting unhelpful patterns from the past and improving your quality of life in the now. The first phase involves an in-depth exploration of your current difficulty, your history and early life experiences. I’m as interested in what did not happen for you as I am in, what did happen. We will then develop a hypothesis to make sense of your current difficulties, identifying any links that may exist between the past and the present. The goal is to understand, then to heal and repair. I should mention that exploring emotional needs can bring up different reactions - you may experience feelings of liberation and freedom, while at the same time, grief and loss associated with what did not happen. This is completely understandable and your therapist will help you process these contrasting feelings.
In summary, emotional needs are as important as practical needs in childhood. Unmet emotional needs can contribute to recurring psychological difficulties, both in childhood and adulthood. Regardless of early experience, adults also have emotional needs. Therapy can help heal emotional wounds associated with unmet emotional needs with the aim of improving your quality of life.
If you would like to read more about Schema Therapy and/or emotional needs you may find the following books helpful:
Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young (2019)
Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns: A Schema Therapy Self-Help & Support Book by Gitta Jacob (2014)
